You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
