There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
