jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
