So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
