I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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