Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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