i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
