I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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