I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
