I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
