Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
