he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
