I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I didn't shave. On purpose
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
