There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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