We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Randomize
