Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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