I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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