I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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