Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
