hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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