You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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