I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
