I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
