i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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