there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
