I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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