Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
