I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
