Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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