I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
