you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
