I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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