I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
