When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
