went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
