if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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