Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
