I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
