i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
