the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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