The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
