my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
