just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
