She said her name was "party"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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