I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
