I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
