I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
vagina is talking i cant
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I need a burrito and a hug.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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