I met the friendliest cop last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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