Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
