Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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