I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
