I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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