im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
